Tuesday, December 09, 2003
I am so tired. Just completely physically and mentally drained. School just is so stupid (at least the one I am in). They don't know what the fuck they are doing most of the time! But I am not some dumb ass who just goes and gets outta school. I don't want to be flipping burgers for the rest of my fucking life. I have legitimate goals for my life. If I were to quit school I would be shooting myself in the crotch.
I just have this indescribable angst for life. I know better but I just have it. Every day is a struggle with this angst and each day it wieghs on me and I feel like I have lost just a little more ground. I feel so hopeless.
My dad just says. "That attitude will not get you through life." FUCKING DUH!! You could give me a little credit! I know that if you sit on your ass you won't succeed in anything! I blame him for my condition. He has tried to impart his values on me and he has mostly, but he is so hypocritical and short sited. I just want to kick him to the ground and yell at him some times he pisses me off so much.
I know the solution to all of this. I try. I think I have got it. But it all still feels the same. Hopeless all so futile like every one is better then me and I am the ugly son of a bitch who goes no where in life except the kitchen from the coach.
When I am depressed (I often am) I am really really depressed, I feel like there is no way out. But the times when I am not depressed I feel... like I don't have and identity, like I am just some shmoe. It is like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I just feel like it is all so futile and it is. But I also know there is hope. But just because you know something doesn't mean you know it. It is almost like being blind and knowing there is a light switch, and you know exactly where in the room the light switch is but you can not get to it because you can't see where you are in the room. I shall read and do more research the answer is there I just need to spend more time looking for it.