Tuesday, December 09, 2003
I am so tired. Just completely physically and mentally drained. School just is so stupid (at least the one I am in). They don't know what the fuck they are doing most of the time! But I am not some dumb ass who just goes and gets outta school. I don't want to be flipping burgers for the rest of my fucking life. I have legitimate goals for my life. If I were to quit school I would be shooting myself in the crotch.
I just have this indescribable angst for life. I know better but I just have it. Every day is a struggle with this angst and each day it wieghs on me and I feel like I have lost just a little more ground. I feel so hopeless.
My dad just says. "That attitude will not get you through life." FUCKING DUH!! You could give me a little credit! I know that if you sit on your ass you won't succeed in anything! I blame him for my condition. He has tried to impart his values on me and he has mostly, but he is so hypocritical and short sited. I just want to kick him to the ground and yell at him some times he pisses me off so much.
I know the solution to all of this. I try. I think I have got it. But it all still feels the same. Hopeless all so futile like every one is better then me and I am the ugly son of a bitch who goes no where in life except the kitchen from the coach.
When I am depressed (I often am) I am really really depressed, I feel like there is no way out. But the times when I am not depressed I feel... like I don't have and identity, like I am just some shmoe. It is like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I just feel like it is all so futile and it is. But I also know there is hope. But just because you know something doesn't mean you know it. It is almost like being blind and knowing there is a light switch, and you know exactly where in the room the light switch is but you can not get to it because you can't see where you are in the room. I shall read and do more research the answer is there I just need to spend more time looking for it.
Sunday, November 30, 2003
I sit here just thinking casualy about my future. Just thinking about it no action involved. I am plagued with distractinos. I am plugged into the media right now. I am watching tv and I am online as I do nothing about my own future! Why do I do this. Am I just so lazy and hopeless that I can just blow off this chance to make my life good?! I sit here talking to nobody (sorry yall) about, oh I am so much in trouble but I got hope I will do better. But I keep passing up these chances. I keep handing my life over for a little bit of pleasure, I would like to say this will end. I can not guarentee that. Precident says I won't. But I can not let my past rule me. Pht listen to me I am just doing it again. I am making excuses and providing solutions that will not happen. Learn from my mistakes. Do not make them.
Man oh man I am so down. School starts tomorrow. Going there brings me down like a ton of bricks strapped to my neck. I go to school and wait for the weekend, the weekend ends and I have nothing to look forward except the next weekend. Eventually school will be over. I will then put all these years of pain to use by trying to get into another school. The point of college is to get knowledge to land you a mediocre job for about thirty years. Then you retire and sit there. You sit there and become a drain on society. When life is narrowed down to that, kinda makes you go hmm doesn't it.
I have been enjoying posting my political views and opinions about other subjects on my other blog. Even though almost all my friends think the site sucks I still enjoyed it. Until tonight. I started thinking what do I know. I am just a fucking junior. The peops out there with their own blogs about politics are much older then me and much smarter. I am starting to wonder why I even bothered getting my site in the first place. My opinion doesn't really matter. For the moment I will keep it, even though 75% of the hits I get are my friends.
This is my first post so I will let you in on my situation as it is. I am a Junior at a private school in some town America. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am good at nothing. My friends abandon me every chance they get. I can trust no one. Sad life isn't it. If that is not enough at least once a month I question my very existence. I got this blog so I can just think out loud if you will to people who do not know me. The stuff I put on here is the stuff I can not put on my main blog. So there is the lay down, if some peops come around and read this crap of mine I will be lucky but I have to tell some body my frustrations, and yall are the lucky peops who get to read those frustrations.